Don’t focus on the bad. Unless it’s good.

Comments from previous bosses and colleagues that stuck.

I don’t dwell on the bad. Well, sometimes for a while, but then I shake myself out of it, usually. It eats me up inside if I don’t, it can be paralyzing.

My professional career spans now some 37 years, but since I was 14, I’d “reported” to someone - the boutique manager, the restaurant owner, the head cashier at Kroger’s grocery stores.

I’ve made a list of some of the feedback that STUCK. The theme here is that the comments were direct, delivered on the spot and not as a wrap up in a months later review, and not through a third party. They also weren’t shoved into a “nicety sandwich: “you’re amazing….just do this differently…..but keep on being you!” If I’d been served that sandwich, I’m sure the bigger points would have been lost on me.

I’m sharing some of them here. Would really love to hear some of yours too.

“You’re not working at The Gap. Go home and change, get back quickly.” -TG, my manager at The Cloister Collections, a luxury resort’s on property boutique. I was wearing a yellow and white striped scoop neck teeshirt dress and Treetorn white sneakers. She was right. It was not appropriate.

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“We’re not best friends sitting down for a chat. Go get your notebook and pen.” -AS, my account supervisor at Ogilvy Advertising. He called me in to meet, I bounced in and sat down. ME: “Hey.” Wtf. I never did that again and it’s the first thing I tell anyone in my office who does that with me.

VO: “Chiat Day just won that account”. ME: “Who’s Chiat Day?” VO: “That’s not good you don’t know. You should know the names of all of Ogilvy’s competitors. You need to start reading Adweek religiously. Immediately.

And I did, I went and got a subscription. I can’t believe in reflection that I did that - knowing your competitive set is critical - it was my first month in the job and I hadn’t absorbed that notion. I’m such a curious person but this made me seem anything but.

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JB: “Are you ready to present the marketing plan to IKEA?” ME: “I got this” (I’d run through the presentation a couple of times, I’m comfortable speaking up in our meetings, it’s my first big presentation, how hard could it be?)

I failed. Big time. Like a scene out of a movie, I’m fumbling for words and no one at the table is making eye contact. Only at the end they do, they feel sorry for the 24 year old who had a shot to make a big impression and blew it.

The silent walk back to the rental car, as we put the presentation boards in the trunk of the car,

J turns to me and says: “I’ll bet you never make that mistake again.”

He was right. Now I don’t rest on bravado. I write things out, I practice. It’s respectful of others time, if they’ve shown up to listen, you owe them to have invested your time to make it good. Great, even.

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The setting: a conference room at American Express HQ. I’m about a month in to my job. I turn to my boss:

ME: ‘What’s an ROI?” AG: “Let’s talk right after the meeting.” 30 minutes later…. AG: “It’s not acceptable that you don’t know what an ROI is. Go buy books right now - accounting, how to read a 10k, how to build a P&L. You can not not know this. Yes, you’re in a marketing position, but you have to know the full scope of our business.

I went and bought 3 books. At lunch time. I didn’t walk, I ran. The aim for me wasn’t to be the smartest person in the room, I just sure didn’t need to look stupid. Because I wasn’t. I can pick things up, think things through. And me not grasping the scope of what I should become smart at was a wake up call that I was sending a message that was contrary to what I knew I could deliver. Really, from that point on, I became obsessed with deep diving in to a broad range of subjects, staying on top of current and past events.

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ME: “Why did JB send her flowers?” TS: “ouch. That’s not good.” ME: “Why? I want flowers?” TS: “trust me, you don’t. It’s a bad sign. She’s about to be let go.”

Our head of our team at Amex had sent one of our team members some flowers. I thought it was sweet. I quickly understood it was the kiss of death. If he did that, it meant that you were too soft to take feedback, that he couldn’t be direct with you. It meant he’d said something or she did something that couldn’t be discussed with candor. This really stuck with me. People have all ranges of needs, but when running a business the most critical thing is that people be able to talk openly, resolve, and move on. Respectfully, but directly all the same. Nothing stops progress more than when things go unsaid, whispered, masked.

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It’s funny, as I write these, they hit home so viscerally. They’ve stuck with me all these years. It’s not shame I feel, it’s thankfulness that when I was veering off track someone nudged me back on.