What will they say about you when you’re gone?
I have thoughts here .
Last week, I was with my high school friends on St. Simons Island, Georgia. My friend Shannon, her mother had passed away. Shannon’s mom was young, in her 70s. As my parents are leaning in to their early 80s, young is becoming relative. Her mom Sandy was a very alive creature, she was a teacher at our high school, and just bubbly. The type that went to the beach every weekend, held her beer in a koozie, and she laughed. A lot. And I imagined that at her funeral, people would tell funny stories about the bold and outrageous things she did, she was the type to say bold and outrageous things. And the priest shared the stories and the congregation laughed in sad memory.
But afterwards, at a family dinner that was not so small, hosted by her ex-husband and his wife of all people, one sentiment about Sandy was said, in repeat, as the family went around the room to pay their respects.
“I’m grateful that grandma Sassy gave us six sets of grandparents.”
“I’m grateful that my sister-in-law never became my ex-sister-in-law.”
“I’m grateful that my mother-in-law enabled for this group of people here to be able to stay together and celebrate her.”
You see, in that room, assembled, was not just Sandy’s children and their children. But also the children of her ex’s, and their children. And the brother and sister of the ex’s. And their children, and their children’s children.
In high school, we used to joke with Shannon “it’s so strange how your parents are divorced but hang out together.” And we’d leave it at that, I never thought more about it. What it means for someone to be able to do this*. And not just what it means for them to do it, but the impact it has on future generations. The grandchildren who’ve gotten to experience the love of multiple grandparents and cousins they would have never gotten to know otherwise. The grandchildren who are able to see around them what would not have been had their grandmother not been the type of person to let this be.
I don’t think Sandy was thinking this far ahead, how could you? But it’s not lost on me that just the act of being incredibly decent, loving, accepting and thinking beyond yourself leads to the best outcomes. Even if you are not around to hear the effect it had on so many.
*please, in the name of positive intent, know that I am aware that there are many reasons why some would not be able to do what Sandy did. Many divorces end for reasons that would not allow for this. This substack is not a lesson on how people should behave, it is my observations from a touching weekend I experienced with close friends.
I’ve been fortunate also in this regard. My mother (now 96) was determined that her divorce from my father would never mean a family breakdown. So every family birthday, every Christmas, every grandparents day at school my mother, father & stepmother would attend so my kids also grew up with a “bonus” grandparent - my stepmother, who also did a fabulous job of bringing the family together. We were so lucky to have these two pragmatic & caring women who navigated a path to benefit my generation & the next. However I too realise this is not always possible.
That's wonderful! She sounds like she lived well, and may have also been fortunate. I was glad to read the "disclaimer" at the bottom. Yes not everyone gets to stay connected with their relatives in this way. I don't know what will be said about me. I guess some would say that I said things as I saw them, without sugarcoating, ..some might say I was rude..but they wouldn't be at my funeral I suppose. I would hope that someone would say that I could make something useful and interesting from seemingly nothing, ..that would mean they saw me. And that's all I want.